Happy New Year

Today has been a short day.  I got off work at noon and went home.  Riley and I jumped back in the car to go to Walmart and Costco for a few items. 

Most places I am not fearful of running into my ex... except for Costco.  It was one of those places we liked to go as a couple.  We even had "dates" at Costco.  I love it when the camping gear and summer things would come out.  We would browse through the book section.  We would share a piece of pizza (always too large) or have a hot dog.  We liked visiting different Costcos in different cities... like in Vancouver, Canada, just to see what was different.

I go there hoping I am not going to find him sitting there where we use to sit with the woman he is going to marry.  I can't relax and just look around... I go there to get what I need and leave as soon as I can.  Every feeling that have been dealing with is more intense there.  I still go though... it is sort of a weird therapy.  I am not one to give up something just because of these strange feelings.  It might be another season in my life but it is my life... and I sometimes go to Costco.

I went to New Heart Ministries tonight without Kari.  She had to work.  I knew that Carol and Chuck would be there for whoever came to be with us tonight.  Our focus was "anger".

For those of you who haven't heard of New Heart, it is a recovery program that our church began last January.  It was timely too because Kari was only two months into her recovery from Meth and needed to talk to people who understood addiction.  I have never been the person to understand addiction... not being an addict.  I have to try to understand by using "chocolate" as an addiction, or something, but it just doesn't "do it".  I can love and encourage... just can't understand fully.  I understand the "family" side of things. 

I want to wish you a Happy 2012!

Take A Moment

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the Mason jar and a cup of coffee.

A college professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him.  When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large empty Mason jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.  He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He asked the class if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous “Yes”.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full.  The students responded with a unanimous “Yes”.

The professor then produced a large cup of coffee from under the table and poured it into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.   The students laughed.  “Now”, he said as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.  The golf balls are the important things, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your passions, and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would be full.”

“The pebbles are the other things that that matter like your job, your house and your car.  The sand is everything else, the small stuff.  If you put the sand in the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.  The same goes for life.  If you spend all of your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.”

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Spend time with your children.  Spend time with your parents.  Spend time with your grandparents.  Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner.  Take a walk in the park.  There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.  Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.  Set your priorities.  The rest is just sand.”

One student raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.  The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.”

“The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there is always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.”

Author unknown

A coworker sent this out to all of us and I thought I would share it with you.

Christmas Past

First of all, thank you to my blogging friends who have read my blog and are so supportive.  Denise - I understand what you mean... She suggests that I just don't completely close myself off but use this place to also express my feelings about the changes etc I have been going through.  OK, deal... as best as I can without doing too much scab picking.  Denise, you must know that emotions are so mixed.  Yes, I have felt the anger... yet, I married with the belief of marriage.  I love seeing everyone who has what I haven't had... I still believe in it and what God designed it to be.  So, you see I can have very mixed emotions about it all.

The other night before Christmas I went by my sister in laws (OK, ex sister in law) house to drop off a gift.  She has been very supportive of me and has been upset and confused by my ex's behavior.  However, little did I know that when I turned on the street the family was there having their Christmas gathering that night (23rd).  All of their cars where parked outside of the house but luckily no one was there to see my little car drive by.  That made me feel so left out.  Of course, I wouldn't have gone there if I had known.  Shows me to call next time, huh? 

That was my Christmas' past... for the last 11 years of my life.  Now it isn't.  It made me realize the importance of "letting go".  I have to tell you, I have kept many of the family members on my facebook page just because... telling myself that I needed to keep in touch.  However, they don't keep in touch... it is awkward for them.  So, I went through and "unfriended" those in my ex's family.  I love them and I wish them well but it is another season for me now.  Besides, I don't need to see all the family's photos... including my ex they might put up. 

I hope that this post isn't a bummer.  It is an honest one... like Denise suggested.  So, if you believe in prayer or looking up into the night sky and thinking good thoughts... please do so for me as I journey through these weeks ahead.

Other than that, Christmas was full of presents, church, a movie, family and a Christmas dinner (Crockpot Coke Roast).  I love the season of stopping and thinking about Jesus' birth... God coming to earth to be with us.  He is the Prince of Peace... and all of us, need that kind of peace.

It's the Simple Pleasures

Yesterday I had made this list of things to do and I went in to take my shower to get going on them.  When I got out of the shower I noticed that I had had a call while I was showering.  It was my girl friend Renee asking me if I would be around.  She and her husband, Ken, was coming by to drop off one of their older couches for my living room.

When I left the house, I took the boys daybed and trundle so they would have a bed.  Later I got them a bunk bed and used the daybed as a small couch in the apartment's living room.  It was good for the time being.  I bought a cover and some pillows that make the daybed look like a couch.  We used it everyday.  However, in our new place it didn't really help us like it did in the other.  The room is too large.  The TV is in one place and the daybed was far away.  It began to be clear that we should get something, anything, even if it was to tie us over for a while (because it takes me a while to decide what item to really buy that will stay).  Renee said she had a couch like that so they brought it over.  It is an older couch, but it is a couch.  It is easy to sit in.  It is the simple things in life that are so nice.

My day suddenly changed.  I started tearing down the daybed.  I vacummed but first had to fit the vacumm from a clog.  I was grateful when Kari showed up from working.  She was able to jump in there and help me out.  We enjoyed sitting back on a couch while watching TV last night.

It seems I have caught up on the romantic holiday movies.  I haven't had cable TV for over 5 years (my ex didn't want it).  Last year we could get a lot of channels off an antenna.  But here in our new place the antenna didn't work so well and I finally got cable TV.

We also have a Wii that we got the kids last year.  However, the bar thingy didn't work any longer last September.  I went to Game Stop and got a replacement for it for a Christmas gift for the family.  Kari thought it would be nice for them to open it today so they can be less bored today.  So far, it is working out well.

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas! I will return on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  Be safe and enjoy yourselves!

Let's Get Going...

Where to start?  Where to start?  I have had this week off and I have been indulging myself with doing whatever I've wanted to do.  I have watched holiday movies, I have stayed up late and have slept in, catching up on a soap opera my family has watched since the 1960s (I feel close to my family when I watch it), I have puttered around the house... and now it is time to think about other things.  I have no one around to judge me for taking some "time out".  You know, it is a pleasure now to take care of myself without that continued judgements and comments. I wish "doing nothing" could go on.  It has been nice.  However, I know I will get bored, it is only good for a few days anyway.  I won't feel rested if I don't get somethings done so I am in the process this morning of writing a list with coffee in hand.

I have until Tuesday... that's when I go back to work.  My co-worker will have the week off.  I will work for 10 hours when I return.  I will also work 8 hours Wednesday, Thursday, and half of the day on Friday.  Then I will be off for a three 1/2 day weekend.  Hopefully, this will be a great jump start into 2012.

This week I have been home to mainly watch the boys.  They don't have daycare these days.  They get on a school bus by Kari and she is home later on in the day when they return.  She works the lunch shift at Red Robin.  I get home about 5 pm and we have dinner.  She has been going to classes at the the college at night and gets home around 9 pm.  It is then bedtime!  And then we do it all again.  But this week is different because of the two week vacation the boys have.  She is on break from college and she will be home the days I work next week.

Last night I was up.  The night is the worst with thoughts and images going around in my head. I fell asleep early but woke up and didn't go back to sleep for a long time. I expect this is normal for having experienced the abnormal.  After all, I am beginning all over again and it is a little strange.  I fight the "demons" in those quiet times.  However, it is becoming less and more thoughts are on thinking about the future.  One good thing is that I have my own traditions etc to fall back on.  But you know, I think I would like to add somethings new.  It's now the time.

So I am off... I will tell you what I come up with...

New Start... New Blog

I have been visiting some of my old blogging friends.  I am again starting a new blog site.  Many of you don't really know what happened to me... I just sort of dropped off the face of the earth.  I remained on Facebook.  But to be honest, it has been a very rough year for me which I hope you never saw when I was online.  However, to continue on and to move forward, I am going to have to tell you a little bit about it.

Instead of telling the whole story, I will just bullet point the main points.  I warn you now, it is hard to believe:

• Summer of 2010 was strange and rough in my marriage.  I went through a very confusing time.
• September a strange large amounts of money began to come up in my personal checking account.  When I told my husband Dave, he said it was for expensives.
• We celebrated our wedding anniversary on September 24th... holding hands at dinner and a movie.
• September 29th he announces he wants a divorce.  He doesn't want to be married.  He doesn't want counseling.  According to him, God said to get a divorce.  I begged him all night to reconsider.
• October 1st nothing had changed.  He began to say he would consider counseling if I moved out.  It now become painfully aware of why money was being put into my account; guilt and to make sure I had funds to move.
• October 16th, I moved out with the hope that he would keep his word.  One part of me always hoping that I would wake from the nightmare and the other knowing what has been done and said. Pieces of me seemed all over the floor. 
• October 26th, my daughter comes to me and says she is withdrawing from years of addiction from Meth (the reason I had my grandsons from the beginnning)  Riley was born 8/29/03 and Brady 2/1/05 and we married 9/29/05.  He agreed that we needed to care for my grandsons from the start of our marriage.  We had talked about the boys and my involvement before marriage.
• November 16th 2010, I am served at my desk at work with divorce papers.  I am shocked and am sent home.  He didn't even have the honor in him to call to tell me what he was thinking of doing or to be prepared.  The holidays were rough but we managed.  Assisting Kari in her new life off drugs kept me really busy.
• February 16th 2011, to the day 3 months later, the divorce is final.  In WA, divorce takes only 3 months, not like in CA when it takes 6 months (which might have been better maybe, cause I am still in shock at this point).  Three months doesn't give a person to adjust and deal with emotions or issues.
• Summer 2011 - I begin to realize that we will need a new place for the future so I begin to look for a place near my job.  We moved into a place with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths which we need badly.  Kari is doing great.  My now ex emails me on my birthday to say that it would be nice to meet for coffee but I had heard he had gone online to begin dating. 
• Fall 2011 - Adjusting - the boys begin a new school and Kari begins college classes.  As well as adjusting to our new home.  We celebrate Kari off of drugs for one year!!!  Also, I have now heard that my ex has brought a woman to a family event to meet his family.
• Thanksgiving 2011 - I heard after the holiday that he announced his engagement to this new woman from Oregon he supposively met online. (My question would be: Wouldn't you date someone closer to home?)  The plan he told them is they plan to marry in the Spring.  He has his family now wondering who he is and what has been going on all along.  My confusion is now clearing...
• Update:  He is planning to wed on January 9th at the courthouse.

OK, so that, in a nutshell, is the story.  Sad but true.  So my friends, this blog will be about my story about going forward from here.  It should be a good story.  I am looking forward to the new year (I am not kidding).  I have decided that it will be a time of Personal Change (for the better).  It is time I put a little more focus on myself than I have in the past years.  Last year was about trying to Recover from getting knocked down and getting back up.  This year is different... I might have been "crushed but not destroyed".

How did the boys feel about their "Papa" after he did what he did?  They don't like him very much.  As much as I try to tell them they weren't the reason for his leaving, he never asks about them and they saw his behavior.  Riley doesn't want say his name (we are working on that).  I don't know but I think it comes from Harry Potter... and how the evil guy's name isn't said outloud.  Riley says that Dave is "uncool" and "mean", as well as "he broke hearts", so he doesn't deserve to be talked about.  Riley says that we must move forward because we can't do anything about the past (wise kid).  I would say that there is some truth in that observation or emotions.  Talking about it over and over again is like picking at a scab.  It will never heal... and it will scar.  So, the bottom line is that life isn't fair.  People who say they love sometimes don't.  But one must move on as best as one can.  Dave, or my ex as he will be now referred to, doesn't define who we are.  His actions made us all feel like trash at the curb.  However, we aren't trash.  We have a life to live regardless of people like him.  So, here we go...  Like I said this blog will be about us, as a family, moving on.  Now the stage is set... please join me here.

Blessings

Laughter Is Good Medicine

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones" Proverbs 17:22, NIV

Science has finally caught up with these words in the Bible that King Solomon wrote some 3,000 years ago.

My girlfriends at my church were talking the other day about how to get through rough and/ or sad times.  The scripture above came to mind.  So I thought I would do a little research on the subject. 

George Burns said it best: “You can’t help getting older, but you can help getting old. Chronologically, the clock is going to keep on ticking for all of us, but if we take a lick of humor, we can prevent a hardening of the attitudes. If we savor humor, humor can be a lifesaver.”

Here are some ways to start:

• Smile. Smiling is the beginning of laughter. Like laughter, it’s contagious. Pioneers in “laugh therapy,” find it’s possible to laugh without even experiencing a funny event. The same holds for smiling. When you look at someone or see something even mildly pleasing, practice smiling.
• Count your blessings. Literally make a list. The simple act of considering the good things in your life will distance you from negative thoughts that are a barrier to humor and laughter. When in a state of sadness, we have further to travel to get to humor and laughter.
• When you hear laughter, move toward it. Sometimes humor and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humor you find in it. When you hear laughter, seek it out and ask, “What’s funny?”
• Spend time with fun, playful people. These are people who laugh easily–both at themselves and at life’s absurdities–and who routinely find the humor in everyday events. Their playful point of view and laughter are contagious.
• Bring humor into conversations. Ask people, “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? This week? In your life?”
• Watch TV shows that make you laugh such as:
1. ‘My Three Sons.’ You’d think that a show about a widower left to raise his sons would be somber at best. Not so with ‘My Three Sons.’ Maybe it’s the fact that Fred MacMurray as the cardigan-wearing Steve Douglas always knew just what to say. Maybe it was Bub’s dry wit or, later, Uncle Charlie’s tough love. Maybe it’s because I identified with the kids, having grown up in that era myself. Whatever the reason, watching ‘My Three Sons’ is a sunny day in the storm of life.
2. ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show.’ I loved watching this show with my parents every week, because it had something for everyone. My Dad loved watching Ted Baxter make a fool of himself, and Mom and I loved watching Mary “make it after all.” There’s no denying it had one of the best casts in TV history, including Betty White as the ditzy Sue Ann Nivens.  And even though Mary Richards seemed like she had it all, I could still identify with her “off” moments, like the time she went to the awards banquet with a nasty cold and her hair all puffed up. But she got through it. She had spunk, after all.
3. ‘M*A*S*H.’ No matter where I am in my life or the world, there’s one show I can always count on to get me through. ‘M*A*S*H’ still airs somewhere on my TV every day, and watching the doctors and nurses at the 4077^th struggle through as best they can – even as the war rages on -- gives me hope that I can get through life, too. And I still have a major crush on Alan Alda as Hawkeye Pierce.
4. Any Doris Day Movie. I’m partial to the movies she did with Rock Hudson, including ‘Pillow Talk,’ ‘Lover Come Back,’ and ‘Send Me No Flowers.’ But she also scored with every other male star with whom she was paired, like Cary Grant in ‘That Touch of Mink,’ James Garner in ‘The Thrill of It All,’ and Rod Taylor in ‘The Glass Bottom Boat.’ I love her early movies like ‘Romance on the High Seas’ and ‘Tea for Two,’ as well as her TV series – especially the later seasons where she gained more control over the direction of the show. I’ve read several books about Doris Day, so I know she hasn’t had an easy life. But you’d never know it watching her on screen. She just exudes grace and style and a happy outlook on life that makes you feel like anything is possible.
5. ‘The Andy Griffith Show.’ Is there anything more calming than the life Andy Taylor led in Mayberry? With Aunt Bee cooking up a pot roast at home and Opie stopping by the courthouse after school, you get the feeling this must be the happiest, most stress-free place on the planet. And the comical capers of Barney Fife (“Nip it in the bud!”), Gomer Pyle (“Citizen’s Arrest!”) and the rest of the gang just add to the homespun goodness of this show.

Creating opportunities to laugh

• Watch a funny movie or TV show.
• Go to a comedy club.
• Read the funny pages.
• Seek out funny people.
• Share a good joke or a funny story.
• Check out your bookstore’s humor section.

• Host game night with friends.
• Play with a pet.
• Go to a “laughter yoga” class.
• Goof around with children.
• Do something silly.
• Make time for fun activities (e.g. bowling, miniature golfing, karaoke).